Chaos

No we are not on vacation. I didn't plan not to post all week, but life has been chaotic here. Not chaotic with coming and going, chores, and such, but chaotic with decisions that have to be made. Mind chaos. Mind chaos exhausts me. It exhaust me to the point that there is no joy in writing.

I'm going to lay it all out at the risk of the local (Dutch CRC) rumour mill working overtime -- which I have no doubt it will. I'm not sure how many "friends" in real life I have that read this blog, but I suspect it is more than I realize.

Hoo boy, this may be a very long post, so I won't feel bad if you shake your head and move on at any point. It's time for me to get rid of some mind clutter though and the best way for me to do that is through my blog as it has long ago become a replacement the diligent journalling I once did.

As most of  my regular readers know, we are adopting. What you may not know though, is that we are actually approved for not one, but two Little Ones (a sibling group). We haven't said anything to most people because we're not sure that the Philippines will match us with two anyway, so why say anything before we know.

When we began our adoption journey and went through the homestudy, it seemed that our home was large enough. Kids can be stacked in bunkbeds right? The three girls already share a room, so adding another girl was no big deal. We already call their room the dorm, and most days it looks like one too. (The photos below are after the girls and I did a clean sweep).

The Boy on the other hand, has a tiny room, and stacking would be risky considering the ceiling fan. Add to that, he has suddenly become physically a teenager. He is now five feet ten inches tall. He takes up a lot of room. He is also a teenager in that in the last two months -- even though he should be getting more sleep than ever -- he is going to bed at the same time as the Engineer and I, no matter how many times we tell him to go to bed, turn out his light, go to sleep, etc. His room is right next to ours and we're in a postage stamp for a room. Need I say more?

Note the ceiling fan above the bed.

See that lovely bare green wall? His room is right behind there.

It's only taking two and a half plus years (that's what happens when your hubby works full time and travels yet too), but we are almost finished our basement, so he can move down there in the next month or two. (I hope)!  That will free up his room for hopefully a little boy -- especially if you ask Bub :o).

In the meantime we have already had two blueprints drawn up. The first one was great, but we changed our minds on what exactly we wanted. The second one, hmmm, not so great. The Engineer has been traveling for a week at a time every three weeks since March, and is once again in Houston all this week. He's likely at the airport now awaiting his return flight home. Needless to say, our evening discussions by phone have revolved around what to do. We've looked at selling and scratched that. The homes that would suit us in size and number of bedrooms are either totally out of our price bracket, too over the top with amenities, decorating, etc, or planted in the middle of suburbia. Oh my, we know we can't handle having neighbours all around and no room for our children to play, but in the street. We like the fact that we can stroll our yard in the mornings, coffee or tea in hand in our pj's knowing that the neighbour next door is not watching us from their second story window, or that we have to stop and chat with a neighbour over the fence.

The resulting conclusion is that we don't want to move. We would if there was property equal to ours, with a good quality newer house, in a reasonable size, at a reasonable price. They only exist in my dreams. (Seriously. I have dreamed several times about houses lately. Funny thing is, in my dreams the new homes we were moving to were actually nightmarish *shudder*).

I admit that through all of this flipping flopping and searching that I have developed an angry heart about the whole thing. I spent a good chunk of time in prayer last night asking God to soften my heart and help us make the right decision together as a couple. Something we can both live with. I awoke this morning with no answers except the feeling to keep our place as it is. No addition, no moving, no more planning, for now. I'm feeling inspired, and invigorated. Isn't it amazing what giving it all over to God can do?

Never have we doubted God's hand in our call to adopt. If His hand is in that, then we should be able to trust Him to know what is best for how and where we are to live. The verse that the Lord gave us when we began our adoption journey is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We don't know what God has planned for us in regards to our home, but I think it's time I learn to be content whatever the circumstances. Phil 4:11