Another Dose of Reality

Posting here in blogland has been good for me as it has helped me to journal daily again, but because it is public, I'm of course not going to write about the really crummy stuff as I occasionally did in my handwritten journal. Although, I know some of my readers know me personally, I tend to go with the assumption that no one knows me. Being who I am (which is a perfectionist), I try to only put my best foot forward. What I write here is really true and really what I think and feel, but there is another side to me that no one in blogland sees and trust me, you don't want to see it.

Let me just say, my world is not a dream world even though I have lots to be grateful for. Despite the fact that I am a perfectionist, I am not remotely close to being perfect. In fact up until this week, I felt like my life was beginning to spiral out of control and it was all my own doing. I am very very hard on myself. I have been since I was young. I tend to lack self esteem. Sometimes I can feel a downward spiral coming on, but this time I almost crashed (thank you Mom for pointing it out!!). NOT a good thing!

Why would I, someone who regularly writes about her blessings and joys, someone with a wonderful, caring husband and four happy, healthy children suffer from lack of self esteem? Well, it goes waaay back and it is part of who I am. I have always felt I didn't measure up. I can remember those feelings already in grade school (and likely before that). If someone says how they do something is better than how I do something, I will analyse their comment to death and totally begin to question myself --even if how I do it works really well for me and my family and/or is something I/we really like.

Another example is if someone decides to take issue with me. I am not a fighter and time and again in these instances I have let them walk all over me -- even if I am innocent. I am not a fighter, but I am a stewer, so these kind of situations cause me to question my self worth.


The reality is -- and I am trying to remind myself of this daily, sometimes even minute by minute -- that no one is better than me. Everyone is different, but no one is better. God made me who I am and he loves me very much. He has blessed me with many gifts and talents -- just not enough time to use them all :o). I just need to remember this. No one is better than me.

Some people would have no clue what I am talking about in the previous paragraphs as they have never had an issue with self-confidence, but rest assured, if you do, God is there. He will help you, and you can get through it.

How do I know? I survived the slump! Today was a remarkably good day. A peaceful day. I was able to bite my sharp tongue when I didn't like what my children were or were not doing (my perfectionistic tendencies tend to boil over somewhere), and everyone is more content and obedient because of it. Peace and happiness reigns once again. Thank you Lord!!